How to deal with past hurts.

So, someone hurt you. Maybe they even abused you. It may be someone close to you like a parent, or people from your class. Maybe they called you names or looked down on you.

As you read this, you may be remembering situations that you know that have scarred you. You know that you are not truly over the effects of those hurts.

I want you to know that I completely understand because I’ve been there. It feels like you can’t get over what they have done to you, and you’re probably wondering if you ever will. I’m here to tell you that you can move on from those hurts.

The choices of others do not have to affect your future. Maybe the abuse is going on till now. The person may not have changed in their attitude towards you.

We’re going to look at how to free yourself and live the life God has called you to irrespective of what people have done to you.

1. Forgive yourself.

It is an inevitable aspect of abuse and hurts that we feel like we may have precipitated it, and we may even begin to make inferences about ourselves such as that we are stupid, or we weren’t pretty or handsome enough, or we weren’t gentle enough. You have to first let go of those limiting beliefs because they aren’t true.

You cannot let the actions of others define you. It’s not your fault that you went through those hurts or that the hurt is affecting you till now. So the first thing you should do is forgive yourself.

2. Forgive the person (s) that hurt you.

Okay, wait. This may sound cliche and preachy, but you have to let them go. You’re not forgiving them because they apologized or are sorry for what they have done to you.

Some people may never realize the extent of their actions on you. But you have to forgive them either way. I’m not saying that they didn’t matter. Of course, what they did was very wrong, and forgiveness is not making excuses for them.

It is you choosing to separate them from their actions because that is what God did for you. If you need help to forgive, the Holy Spirit is always ready to help you. But forgiveness will do you good. Let go of the resentment and anger, because they are what will keep you from moving forward.

3. Separate yourself from the source of the hurt.

Yes, you should forgive them. But that doesn’t mean you should continue to be friends with them or continue to stay with them, especially if they haven’t done away with that pattern of behavior.

If you cannot stay away from them, then try to give them a bit of space. This will help you find yourself away from their voices and all they have made you believe about yourself.

4. Understand God’s love for you.

God’s love can change the hardest of hearts. Yes, they may not have treated you the way they should have. They may have outrightly abused you.

But that doesn’t mean you’re not loved or your life is worthless. God loves you, and his love will strengthen you if you let it. You’re not worthless or unlovable.

Look to the one that has proven his love to you, because there is healing for you there. Stay there for the rest of your life. Speak what God has said about you because that is the only truth there is.

5. Recognize the patterns in your life.

If you’ve been around something long enough, or something affected you deeply, you most likely will internalize those patterns and unconsciously act them out.

So if your parents always compared you as a child, you may find yourself comparing yourself with everyone or measuring people by certain standards. That is not a good trait, so it’s good that you become aware of those patterns.

Do not begin to blame the people that precipitated it, because then you will be antagonistic to change. Simply recognize them, and understand that you don’t have to continue that way.

6. Build quality relationships and surround yourself with people that genuinely love you.

No matter how people have treated you, you are worthy of love and some people will love you for who you are. Those people are worth finding, and when you do, cherish those relationships.

Do not close your heart because someone broke it. Do not give in to the temptation to live life on your own. Nothing is as fulfilling as giving and receiving love, so do not close yourself away from that.

7. Patiently work on those negative patterns.

Notice the keyword ‘patiently’. You are not going to change in a day or a month, so don’t expect that from yourself. But feed your mind with the right things and commit to putting those patterns aside and embracing positive ones.

You will see your own life become wholesome if you commit to living this way and slowly but surely, you will let those negative patterns go.

The actions of others do not have to direct how you will turn out, but you should know that the responsibility is on you. You don’t have to repeat to others what was done to you. And you don’t have to live your life as a shadow of people’s actions.

People make mistakes, but we determine how far those mistakes go in our lives. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. With God’s help, you will be able to truly move on from those hurts.

To end this, the fact that you forgave someone doesn’t mean you should let the abuse continue. Please, speak up and tell someone. It also doesn’t mean if it’s physical abuse the person should not be punished. If you need to see a specialist, please do so. You are loved regardless.

What do you think about this piece? Let me know in the comments.